Lately i’ve come to realize that perhaps the most difficult part about life is not just that curve balls get thrown at you, but that you cannot control the time or circumstances under which they are thrown. You don’t get the luxury of seeing when that curve ball hits, you just get to deal with the brutal aftermath and decide how you’ll get back up and heal.
As most know, less than a month ago I lost my brother. Needless to say, that was the biggest curve ball life has thrown at me. I will deal with that loss everyday and it’s unfathomably difficult. Just as I was beginning to understand how I felt about that situation, life threw me another curve ball. One week ago I was let go of from my job due to restructuring, cutting of finances, etc. etc. etc.
Now let me stop for a second and say something that will probably sound like a contradiction at this point: I do not want your pity. I am not writing this to answer the question, “why me?!” There are no answers for that question. This is the hand I was dealt and i’m playing it the best I can. I open up about my struggles for the following reasons:
1. Writing is cathartic for me and helps me understand my own thoughts a little better
2. In the words of my celebrity crush, Macklemore: “See life’s a beautiful struggle, I record it, hope it helps you maneuvering through yours.”
Losing my job was a tough pill to swallow, I simply didn’t see it coming. I interned there in college and was fortunate enough to be employed full-time before I even walked the stage at graduation. It was the perfect launching pad for my career. I was given the tools to grow my skill set, network my ass off, meet incredibly intelligent and compassionate people, and most importantly, learn what I like and dislike about the working world around me.
So instead of sulking in my sorrows, I viewed the loss of my job as an incredible opportunity. While it’s a known fact that I adore Buffalo beyond measure, I also crave adventure and change. It’s just the way I’m programmed. I would be thrilled to stay, but i’m also ecstatic to know that the possibility of a new city is more within my reach than ever before. Yes, the reality of it all is a bit daunting. But the unknown is what makes the exhaustion of it all so ridiculously worthwhile.
These curve balls are never going to end. Some will make me drop to my knees and cry, I’m sure others will make me grin like an idiot and appreciate life in a whole new way. Regardless, they will each teach me a lesson. Learning that lesson and sharing it with others has always been what keeps me going. That will never change.
*Shameless plug: in the meantime, if anyone knows of job openings that fall in line with community management/marketing/public relations, you can view my LinkedIn profile here 🙂
“See life’s a beautiful struggle, I record it Hope it helps you maneuvering through yours and That’s why we stay in the lab at night I’ve been staring into this pad for over half my life A true artist won’t be satisfied So I guess that’s the sacrifice And I say Make the money, don’t let the money make you Change the game, don’t let the game change you I’ll forever remain faithful All my people stay true”
For the phone call I got last Saturday afternoon from my twin sister, “Thomas… Thomas is dead. You have to come home. You have to be with us and be here for mom.”
My older brother who was just 28 years young is gone. I have never known this world without Thomas. He has been a part of each and every second of my life. Now, as the world continues to spin beneath my feet in a blurry whirlwind that I can’t seem to grab control of, I must somehow learn to adjust to life without him. I have no choice.
Nothing could have prepared me for this.
I never thought I would have an entire kitchen overflowing with food because people are so worried I’ll forget to eat.
I didn’t expect my landlord to ask me if it’s my birthday because i’ve received so many cards in the mail.
When I went out for a run to clear my head, I didn’t think I would end up on the steps of the local bar crying hysterically, wondering if the cigarette butts on the ground were once held by hands that will never hug me again.
I never thought I would pinch myself every time my eyes opened in the morning, never thought I would sleep so well but for all of the wrong reasons. Never thought I would wake up with dried tears on my cheek because I unknowingly missed him even while I slept.
Nothing could have prepared me for this.
I have written two obituaries for loved ones in the past eleven months, one for my grandma who passed in February and now one for my brother.
The night I wrote his, I curled up and cried while hugging my knees on the bathroom floor. I listened to the song my brother and I sang together on a road trip just a couple of months ago, careful not to disrupt the few peaceful moments of sleep my mother was getting in the room next door.
Nothing could have prepared me for this.
Always looking out for me.
Yet as I sit here and type this, still not able to fully comprehend the week which is now thankfully behind me, I realize that my whole life has prepared me to get through this.
I am inexplicably proud to be the daughter of my parents: the two strongest and most compassionate people on the planet with an unwavering faith and belief that God makes the back to carry the burden.
My twin sister gives me the reassurance that whether we like it or not, moving forward is the only option. There will be days where we fall back two or three steps, and that’s okay, as long as we’re doing the best we can at each given moment.
My older sister helps me to realize that sometimes we just have to put on a strong face and get our shit together because our parents need us to be there for them. She helped me realize that we don’t have to carry this burden alone, we can share it with each other.
My family taught me the genuine meaning of love, and tragic times like these make me grateful that as a family, we never leave one another without saying, “I love you.” Those were the last words I said to my brother. The last exchange I had with him was a hug. I could never adequately convey how blessed I am to have that peace of mind.
College graduation. The proudest brother on the planet.
Aside from my immediate family, I could not be more grateful for the town that raised me. The one that fosters all of the memories that I have with my brother and the one that kick-started the healing process for my family and me.
As if I wasn’t already blessed enough, I have a second home in Buffalo that takes care of me like I always knew they would. I didn’t have to worry about work, coaching, my mail, running errands… nothing. It was all taken care of for me and I didn’t even have to ask. City of good neighbors? You bet your ass it is.
This grieving process will be a lifetime adjustment. It’s still so fresh, so raw, so painful. But I’m better today than I was yesterday. To me, that’s a beautiful silver lining that I am gripping onto with all of the strength that I have left in my weak little body. I’ll be different because of this. I am different because of this. But i’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.
My eulogy to my brother:
January 16, 2014
My crazy, compassionate, hilarious and handsome brother:
You were my own personal bodyguard. Man, did you protect me day and night 24/7. You had people looking out for me in Buffalo that I didn’t even know about until this week. You built up a barrier of pure love and adoration for your three sisters that no one in the world could touch. It’s a million times stronger now because you’re able to do it all yourself from up above. I bet you love having all that control up there.
You gave me my spark of mischief, a crucial element to any life worth living. You were my partner in crime the summer your best friend Nick was away and you actually hung out with your little sisters. We played so many pranks on Emily when she was the first to fall asleep. Threw so many balloons filled with shaving cream out the window. Slid down the stairs on the mattress until the wood was worn out.
You were so great with us when we were kids. And as we grew older, you extended that love to your beautiful niece and Goddaughter, Alice, and all of our youngest cousins. I looked at you wide-eyed, hoping the man I marry one day will be as good with kids as you are. My heart shatters knowing that you won’t physically be at those milestones with me. My kids won’t have an uncle on my side, you won’t be there when I change my last name and say, “I do.”
Then I have to stop myself. Because those are selfish thoughts. They’re thoughts about me and what I want. And you and I both know I like to get what I want. But what I have to remember is that you are genuinely happier now. There is no doubt about it. Not a single one. You are probably being so spoiled up there and having the time of your life with BJ and all of our family members.
I’m happy for you, Thomas, because I know how badly you were hurting. And I forgive you for this. I don’t want to, but I do. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you and I finally got to open up with each other over these past few years. I still can’t believe we found a band that we both liked listening to in the car… and it wasn’t Eminem. That in itself was a miracle.
You are the best brother I could have ever asked for. And I don’t say that just because it sounds pretty and because I’m a sister who lost her brother. Fuck. I lost my brother. That will never be easy to say out loud or to write. But I say it because it’s true. You still ARE the best brother I will ever have. You will always be my big brother: who I learned so much from and am so proud of. I will never stop missing you. And I will never stop loving you and living my life in a way that will make you proud. Like you always told me, “Be good, kid. I love you.”
Confidently Katie 