Matters of the Heart

Let it Linger

by Katie Welker

Each night when i’m leaving my son’s room at bedtime, I linger in the doorway for a few extra moments. It started when we were building his sleep habits. I’d stand in the doorway with the hallway light flooding in so he could see me and say, “close your eyes, it’s okay, mommy loves you”. It helped give him the emotional reassurance to be alone in his own room.

But now I do it for me. The lingering is a way I try to preserve the moment, to capture the memory that I know is fleeting. To say, “I love you” just one more time so I know it’s the last thing he hears as he falls asleep.

I don’t know a single woman on this planet who wouldn’t agree that motherhood is hard. And it’s not just hard, it’s complex.

Because these sweet moments top off a day that sometimes has the emotional equivalent of a rollercoaster ride with no seatbelt. Some days it just whips you around and all you can do is white-knuckle the safety bar in hopes you’ll make it out alive. And to top it off, the feeling of guilt is a regular passenger. As if you’re the one who forgot to buckle the seatbelt so the chaos is solely your fault.

But that’s why i’ve found it’s important to linger when it’s good, and change course as quickly as possible when it’s hard.

Changing course keeps you moving forward, even if you’re zigzagging across an unknown path and no one is in sight. Even if you realize later on that you were in your own way. Even if it’s just a small side step or a deep breath. Whatever you can muster to make it better.

And how do we linger? Minimize all distractions and noise so you can be present enough to witness the moments where the opportunity to do so is right in front of you. I’ve found that presence is one of the greatest life hacks, particularly in motherhood.

So linger in the doorway at bedtime. Linger in the embrace of a hug, a giggle, a “mommy, watch this!”, “kiss it make it better”, “sing the mommy song!”, “again! again!”.

Because lingering is where the view gets good, where the world truly stops and says, “this is what it’s all about.”

It’s where you remember why you took the journey in the first place.

It’s what reminds you that it’s all worthwhile.

It’s what keeps you going.

Something old

by Katie Welker

2018 was one of the more ‘solid’ years i’ve had in awhile. It of course had its ups and downs, but it was a year that had me feeling like, well, me. I felt in my own skin more than not, and that was a feeling I want to continue to nourish.

I started a new job at my old company, Creative Circle, and am on a great path with my career. I’m surrounded by people who are creative, smart, kind, and who make me want to do better work each day.

This year I also continued to have the privilege of coaching my old high school cheerleading team. It’s the most challenging job i’ve ever had, but it is easily the most rewarding. I love those girls to pieces and I love watching them grow, both as athletes and as people.

In the past year, a fire has started to burn inside of them. They know they can compete against other incredible teams and hold their own. They know they can go out there and show people how talented and capable they are.

And even though working with a group of teenagers can be tough, it’s pushed me to continue to develop myself as a coach and as a person. I’ve certainly had my own ups and downs, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a better person because of my experience as a coach. It pushes me to my brink and challenges me to my core, but it brings out so much passion in me that each day i’m overwhelmingly grateful to have this specific opportunity with the old program that raised me.

Most important of all, I spent a lot of time this year with the same friends and family who i’ve had in my corner for too many years to count. My boyfriend and I have now been together for a solid three years, and the foundation we’ve built in that time is more fulfilling than anything i’ve ever known.

I’ve been proactive in spending quality “gal pal” time with some of the most genuine friends I could have ever asked for. My family continues to find ways to be grateful for one another and the life we’ve been given no matter what the circumstances are. We have each others backs and always say “I love you” to one another… what more could I ask for?

So at a time where many are focused on being a “new” version of themselves, or adding “new” goals onto their plates, perhaps it’s just as important that we focus on the old… the familiar.

Let’s be honest about our expectations for ourself, stay close to what already feels good, get rid of what doesn’t serve us, and remember that sometimes finding the best version of yourself doesn’t require you to add on “new” things, it just requires you to look deep inside at what’s been there all along.

xo