What they don’t tell you

I have been dating the love of my life a little less than a year, though we’ve known each other and have been close friends for over ten.

One of my best girlfriends often jokes and says, “you’re finally dating your husband!” He has the loveliest heart, the kindest soul, and my love for him only grows each day…. and with each mile.

Matt and I have been dating long distance (616 miles to be exact) the entire duration of our relationship. Although there are certainly couples who have more time and distance under their belts, the separation has the same sting to it regardless of the specifics.

With my return home to Rochester right around the corner (and the end to the miles apart from both my entire family and Matt) I’ve been reflecting on all the things they don’t tell you about long distance relationships that you’re forced to learn as you go…

They don’t tell you that movie night means watching the same movie at the same time using an online link that freezes and stalls once every 20 minutes. It means texting in between scenes instead of lounging together on the couch in your sweatpants.

They don’t tell you that life is a series of mini countdowns until the next time you can see each other, and that having a visit to look forward to is one of the only things that keeps you sane.

They don’t tell you that birthdays and holidays mean coordinating around the few weekends you’re actually able to visit, and making sure you have room in your suitcase to pack the gifts.

They don’t tell you that long distance means coming home from a long hard day and having to FaceTime instead of getting the bear hug that you really need.

It means flight delays, crammed weekends seeing two families in three days, having to plan trips months in advance, paying more for flights than you do for your rent, missing big events in addition to the daily errands that keep a relationship glued together, and countless other inconveniences that all add up to a terrible heartache from being away from the one you love, not to mention a mountain of stress.

But here’s what else they don’t tell you.

That for the right person, distance really does make the heart grow fonder. It really does make you stronger, make you appreciate your partner more, hold them tighter and love them harder.

What they don’t tell you is that it’s better to be far apart than not together at all.

And most importantly, they don’t tell you that for the right person, the juice really is worth the squeeze. And it sure tastes sweet once it finally hits your lips.

my love


Goodbye, blinders

After seven months of living in Chicago (wait, how has it already been seven months?!) I’m just now starting to realize that my life is, and will remain to be, completely different than what it was when I lived in Buffalo.

Why that took me seven months is beyond me, but some light bulb moments have been going off lately that are opening my eyes in a big way.

Whenever anyone asks me why I moved, the answer is always the same – I moved for a gut feeling that I just had to listen to.

That’s 100% true. And then I was fortunate to serendipitously find a career that I absolutely adore.

But after seven months, I now know that things in Chicago are completely different than they were in Buffalo in every way.

The blinders are off, and now the reality of these facts is hitting me hard:

  • I have no family in Chicago, and none of my friends that I’ve had in my life up until this point are here, either (thank goodness for the friends I’ve made here thus far. Honestly, they’re dear to my heart for so many reasons.)
  • I don’t have the benefits and access of living in the same city where I went to school (I would have given anything to go to a Canisius College basketball game this season #gogriffs.)
  • My lifestyle here (primarily the long commute to work and not having a car anymore) limits my ability to wear multiple “hats” and invest my time in a variety of outlets like before – i.e. coaching cheerleading, volunteering, being an active member of different young professional groups, etc.

But then I have to stop and cut myself a freaken break already.

I was in Buffalo for SEVEN YEARS. And I’ve been in Chicago for SEVEN MONTHS (caps completely necessary.)

These things will take time.

But until then, the best thing I can do is continue to adapt to my new setting. And scheduling time with and for myself is the best way I’ve been able to do that.

Here are the two things I’ve taken immediate action on:

  • Prioritizing what makes me happy
    • Given the struggles of limited “free time” due to longer commutes, it’s important that I find convenient and efficient ways to accommodate the things that make me happy, like writing. So I bought a small 2lb tablet with an attachable keyboard that I can now take with me everywhere I go. This gives me the convenience to write whenever and wherever I want, which is exactly what i’m doing right now at a local coffee shop. Having that access is crucial for me.
  • Know when I need help, and then ask for it
    • I’m a major proponent of taking care of my mental health. I’ve gone to a counselor a number of times for a number of reasons throughout my life, and picking up my life and moving hundreds of miles away from everyone I love was a perfect reason for me to seek one out yet again. I now see someone a few times a month in order to help sort out my anxiety, stress, fears, and more importantly, my goals. It has been a great help, and it’s a commitment to my well-being that I plan on keeping for a long time to come.

Moving from Buffalo to Chicago is a change that threw my whole world for a loop in ways I didn’t even realize until months later. And now that the blinders are off, it’s been imperative for me to ask myself some tough questions, take a hard look at my immediate surroundings and then take action in order to make the most of this new chapter.

But I figure that if I can create a life I love in Buffalo, I can certainly do the same thing in Chicago.

Like anything else that’s worthwhile, it will just take time, patience, and a lot of love.