Matters of the Heart

Keep going

by Katie Welker

Tomorrow, January 11, 2015, marks the one-year “anniversary” of my brother’s passing. While no time frame or date on a calendar could ever justify or help make sense of the loss my family has endured, I can’t help but to take a little more time than usual to reflect on what a whirlwind of a year it has truly been.

Surprisingly, losing Thomas made me more independent than ever before. It’s not that I don’t lean on friends and family when I need to; I’m grateful for the support and comfort that’s shown, and most days I embrace it. But death has had a way of making me not only realize, but truly believe, that I am the only one who controls my life. No one else. Not my parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, no one. Just me.

So in this past year, I stopped – to the best of my ability – over analyzing what others thought of me, my choices, my actions, all of it. I reminded myself that what others think of me is none of my business.

I invested more time into the power of my mind and all of its possibilities through the practice of yoga and also through the rapid consumption of content. Yoga helps me to focus on one thing at a time, control my anxiety, and continue to keep a positive state of mind. Additionally, I’ve stayed true to my personal goal of reading at least one book a month, and have made a more conscious effort to read publications and articles that are outside of my usual wheelhouse.

On top of that, I slowly but surely am figuring out the limits that I want to set for myself. I left a job that I didn’t enjoy (which led me to one that I love), I turn down plans that deep down I know I want no part of, and I’m more diligent about who I’m willing to share my time with. Overall, I’m smarter about when I say yes and when I say no. 

Not all of these shifts of control were a product of some magical revelation I had when Thomas passed. And it doesn’t shed light into the cracks of sadness and honest depression that inevitably come from an unforeseen loss of a loved one. I still cry, throw questions out into the universe that can’t be answered, wish people were more compassionate and just nicer to each other (because why wouldn’t you be?) and wish that I had more than memories to hold onto.

But because I know that I only have control of myself, I choose to take care of my own life to the best of my ability. And on the one-year mark of his loss, I’m going to choose to celebrate Thomas and all of the quirks he had which I love and miss so dearly. I’ll watch the Cowboys game and hope they kick Green Bay’s ass. I’ll wear his Dallas scarf and sleep with his Dallas blanket and smile at old photos that I now cherish.

But i’m also going to make sure that I take a second to give myself some credit. Because for 365 days, I chose to keep going and not let something that happened to me dictate my next steps. To continue on despite hardships, no matter the kind, is something we should all be proud of.

So here’s to you, and here’s to me, and here’s to my brother Thomas. May we all choose to keep going.

Miss you now. Miss you always.
Miss you now. Miss you always.

The year of questions

by Katie Welker

While 2013 ended up being my “year of mistakes,” I’ve come to realize that 2014 (for the most part) was a year of unanswered questions.

The other day I was reading an interview with Michael Douglas in Success Magazine. When asked about the difficulties in his life, he made reference to the “waves” one experiences throughout the years:

Things happen. When there’s a good wind behind you, sailing is a breeze. But how you conduct yourself during the difficult times is what’s really important. That’s what separates people.

He goes on to talk about how these “waves” typically come in sets of five and seven, and you ride them out until you’re fortunate enough to hit your next lull. But when those forces strike, most of us just try to fight like hell to stand up on our own two feet and not get pulled down by the undertow.

2014 hit me with many more waves than lulls, some much more defeating than others. And as the impatient 25 year old that I am, it’s tough for me to not have all of the answers to the big, resounding questions that fill up my mind – questions of love, loss and the lawlessness of life.

Does the timing of a situation really dictate its outcome as much as we tell ourselves that it does?

How do we balance the grief over those we’ve lost with the frustration of why they’re gone in the first place?

And at bottom, what do we do when honestly don’t know what to do?

My answer to almost anything i’m approached with in life is to follow my gut instinct. More often than not it has led me in the “right” direction. But as this new year begins, I’ll be honest – I’m a little lost, overwhelmed, exhausted and confused. I’m trying to find out what that right balance between logic and intuition is when making a decision, and it’s a learning curve that I didn’t anticipate being so big.

Yet somehow I have a strong faith that these waves will soon settle down and my lull will arrive. Until then, the best I can do – the best any of us can do – is to fight to stand up tall and do what we can to make the ride worthwhile.

Whether 2014 was the best year of your life or the worst, remember to be patient with yourself, because no one is immune to the highs and lows, they just hit us at different times. So instead of a New Year’s resolution, maybe just trust yourself enough to find your way to the answer you’re looking for.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke